Another game

We moved to Ohio, where my parents are from, when I was five years old. My mother and father divorced, and my two sisters and I went to live with my grandparents in Englewood with my mother. We'd been born in California and had lived near San Diego for all of our brief lives. It's where I got my need for beach, I'm convinced.

The 1941 University of Dayton athletic board

My mother came from a Catholic family in Dayton, which meant that my grandparents had attended Catholic high schools - my grandfather went to Chaminade and my grandmother Julienne, back when they were segregated by gender. Now it's one high school - Chaminade-Julienne. I don't know if my great grandfather, Merle P. Smith, went to Chaminade, but he did go to University of Dayton, from where he graduated in 1925 as class president. He went on to become a professor of English and Journalism at UD. I feel proud of that, knowing that writing runs in our family. But he went beyond that. He was an officer in the alumni association, and he was on the UD athletic board in 1941. A love for sports runs in our family, too.

My grandfather graduated from UD as well, and he had season tickets for UD basketball for many, many years. He used to take us to a few games every year, and those were treasured times. I'd often get to go for my birthday (the only good thing about having an early January birthday. Also, as the oldest child, I feel like I got to go to more games, as there were only four tickets. Sorry, Sandy and Jennifer. :D) The most cherished times were when we'd go to the restaurant above the court before the games where you had to be a member - we felt special when we went up there. Sometimes the women's team would play before the men's and we'd get to watch them through the glass at the restaurant and that was an added bonus. After the games, sometimes we'd stand at the players' entrance and get autographs as the players were leaving the court. It seems funny to me now, but that ink on the programs was priceless then. Going to these games was almost like going to Reds games for us - we didn't distinguish between pro and college because to us they were all men good at sports.

I'm not a big March Madness person. To be honest, I feel like it epitomizes the commercialization of college sports in a way that's unmatched even by the BCS Championship. I mean, there's so much money involved in these kind of events that soon, college athletes will mostly likely be paid to play ball. Don't get me wrong - I used to like it and appreciate the excitement of it all. I just don't personally engage. But I've been watching UD, because it's personal to me. 

I just wanted to mention that.

The Presidents: John Adams

John Adams played a form of baseball called "One Old Cat" when he was a child. Coming from Boston, he would have been a huge Red Sox fan.

He played baseball at Valley Forge

I'm launching a new baseball-related project this spring. You'll have to come to DC to participate. Hint: it has something to do with this:

Yes, I made this.

I'll be working out the details this week, so stay tuned...

Trouble at MLB.TV

I recently got a new phone. I'd had an old BlackBerry for four years and it was getting to the point where nothing was updated and it hardly worked anymore. I was motivated to upgrade by the impending baseball season; I had been jealous of those who were able to use MLB At Bat on their phones like I had a few years ago and thought how wonderful it'd be to watch Reds games from anywhere.

I had already paid for the MLB.TV Premium subscription - I pay $24.99 monthly so I can watch the Reds. MLB At Bat comes with the Premium subscription. When I went to download it on my phone, I discovered that what MLB.TV makes you do is pay for the download, then you have to request a refund or a credit to your Premium account. Annoying, right? So I paid the $16.99 for the download and followed the instructions to get my refund/credit.

Here are the instructions:

*MLB.TV Premium is available on select Blackberry devices. Separate purchase required.
To access At Bat 14 content (including MLB.TV Premium subscription content) on your BlackBerry device, you must purchase the device-specific version of At Bat 14 from BlackBerry World. Current MLB.TV Premium subscribers who purchase At Bat 14 from BlackBerry World are eligible for a refund of the At Bat 14 purchase price. For more information, purchase, download and log into At Bat 14 using your MLB.TV Premium account credentials, then launch MLB.TV Premium content, and follow the instructions by which eligible subscribers may request their refund. Please contact MLB.com Mobile Customer Support at customerservice@website.mlb.com with any questions.

When I purchased the download, I received instructions to contact the above email address and forward my purchase receipt. So I did. A couple of days later, I received this:

Dear Fan,

Thank you for sending your email, as we appreciate the time that you have taken to
contact us.

Please call our toll-free customer service hotline at 1-866-800-1275, as taking this step will allow us to do some additional troubleshooting to attempt to resolve your issue.

Thank you again for taking the time to write!

Sincerely,
Customer Response Team
MLB.com

So they wanted me to call them and waste my time on hold (if you've ever tried to contact MLB.TV customer service, you know how long the wait is. Since I seem to have some sort of billing issue nearly every year, I have experience in this area.)

I sent this response:

You are supposed to send me the refund for MLB at Bat since I am a premium MLB TV subscriber!!! Sending the receipt to your customer service email was in the instructions that you gave us. I shouldn't have to suffer though a phone call to your customer support. Get with it and give me my refund.

Yeah, I was annoyed. That they gave instructions on how to get a refund then couldn't even follow those instructions was ridiculous. But it seems pretty clear that I want a refund for MLB at Bat, right? Since, you know, I state that?

Here's what I received this morning:

Dear Valued Subscriber:

Your request for a refund in connection with your 2014 MLB.TV Premium Monthly Subscription subscription has been approved and a credit in the amount of 24.99 will appear on the statement of the credit card to which you were being billed.

Please allow your credit card company 5 to 7 business days to process the refund. If your credit does not appear after 7 business days or should you have question about your account please contact Customer Support toll-free at 1-866-800-1275.

We thank you for your patronage.

Sincerely,
MLB.com

They cancelled my MLB.TV Premium Subscription instead of giving me a refund for At Bat. Now I can't access anything.

While it was ridiculous they charged us a full month for March, given the limited number of games there are, I still wanted the subscription.

I haven't called the number yet. I fired off a nasty email and will call when I calm down. (I feel bad about it now.)

Update:

It took forty minutes - mostly on hold - to learn that I have to resubscribe and that "corporate" is going to  contact me about the refund/credit for At Bat.  At first I was on a call with what was clearly an outsourced call office. I don't think the woman even knows what baseball is. She couldn't understand that I didn't want anything cancelled, I just wanted the refund/credit that was due to me. She finally transferred me to someone in accounts who was probably in the New York office and at least progressed the issue. (Can "progressed" be transitive?) We'll see how the refund/credit saga goes...

Update 2: Hooray! Situation resolved. Corporate called me when I was still on the phone, left a message. I called back, they comped me a month for my troubles and turned my account back on. Once I got through the first layer, the people were very helpful. Thanks, all!

Gagarin reviews the New York Yankees

Gagarin's observations of the videos he receives on his radio wave transmission machine. Translated from the original Tralfamadorian, the language spoken on planet Tralfamadore.

Unfortunately, sometimes it is days between transmissions and I am left to wonder who won the base-ball games on the planet called Earth. During these gaps, I review video footage I have already received from this alien planet, hoping to discover something I may have missed in prior viewings. Since I am going to review the base-ball team known as the "New York Yankees," I thought I would look at some of the videos about this city called New York, but there are hours and hours of information about this city and I have chosen only the most recent videos. I feel that the city of New York must be the most important city on the planet. However, much of the footage I have acquired is disturbing.

I am particularly curious about the mating habits of Earthlings after watching many hours of a program called "Sex in the City." It focuses on the lives of a particular kind of Earthing called "woman," and there seems to be much difficulty in finding a suitable mate for reproductive purposes. It appears that there are two variations of Earthling necessary for mating, those being "woman" and "man." The particular womans on the program "Sex in the City" can be described as whiny and never content with the things they have, which are many. The dominant woman in this program has an obsession with the painful type of shoe I described in a previous entry. These womans do not seem pleasant and I do hope that not all of the womans on Earth are this disagreeable.

Another program about the city of New York that I have frequently viewed is called "Seinfeld." I do not know what to make of this program. It seems as if the Earthlings in this program are purposely making life difficult for themselves and for other people. One in particular, a short, bald man, is always yelling about things that do not matter. Another, a tall man with strange hair, seems to have some sort of mental deficiency. The one called "Jerry Seinfeld" is something called a "comedian," which consists of standing in front of groups of Earthlings and telling stories. These stories are called "jokes" and seem to please the Earthlings. I do not know if this is a peculiar pastime of New York or if this is common among Earthlings.

Taken together, these two programs make the city of New York seem like an undesirable place. Yet I feel there is a kind of magic about this grand city and that maybe I do not understand these programs. New York has buildings that reach to the heavens, something you cannot find on the planet Tralfamadore, as our atmosphere must be much smaller than that of Earth. No Tralfamadorian could survive in a building as tall as the ones in New York. I think if the Earthlings can build such magnificent towers, they must be better than those featured on the Sex and the City and Seinfeld programs.

In New York there are two Major League Base-ball teams. One is called the Yankees and they are in the American League. The other is called the Mets and they are in the National League. I will get to the Mets later. The Yankees are historically the best team in the Major League Base-ball. They have won twenty-seven of the championships they call the "World Series" that is only played in the region they call "America." They have won the championship as recently as four seasons ago and they could do it again this year, though, as I mentioned, this division called the "American League East" is full of very good teams.

The uniform of the Yankees team is iconic on planet Earth. It consists of a black cap with a white NY stitched upon it and pinstriped shirts and pants. I am considering commissioning our local tailor to fashion such a uniform for me; however, as we don't wear clothing on Tralfamadore, I would probably not wear it, not wanting to draw attention to myself.

There appears to be some disparity in the wealth of teams. "Wealth" is the amount of resources available to the Earthlings to acquire items they do not make themselves. These can be items of necessity, such as the food they must consume to sustain their bodies, or extraneous items that give them pleasure but are not necessary for survival. One of the ugly things about Earthlings that I have discovered after studying many hours of videos is that their lives revolve around the acquisition of such items and that many Earthlings take so much of the available resources that others do not have enough to feed themselves. This is a cause of many conflicts in which they try to destroy each other. I am unable to understand how a civilization that can build such magnificent structures into the sky and invent the great game of base-ball is of insufficient intelligence to avoid such conflicts.

These kinds of inequalities exist everywhere on Earth, including in the great game of base-ball. This is why the New York Yankees have won more championships than all of the other teams - they have more wealth than the other teams and they buy better quality players. Yes, Earthlings buy other Earthlings. The wealthiest of them buy the labor of the less wealthy and they become a part of the wealthiest's wealth. This is a very complicated issue that warrants in-depth study. However, that is not the focus of this entry; I only mention it because the New York Yankees base-ball team has so much wealth and buys players. As a result, their team looks very different from the previous season. They bought these players: Jacoby Ellsbury, Carlos Beltran, Brian McCann, Kelly Johnson, Brian Roberts, Alfonso Soriano. Alfonso Soriano was added at the end of last year. This is probably their batting lineup:

1. CF Jacoby Ellsbury
2. SS Derek Jeter
3. RF Carlos Beltran
4. C Brian McCann
5. 1B Mark Teixeira
6. DH Alfonso Soriano
7. 3B Kelly Johnson
8. 2B Brian Roberts
9. LF Brett Gardner

It is among the best in the Major League Base-ball and they will score many runs with it.

On the bench are these players: C Francisco Cervelli, OF Ichiro Suzuki, IF Brendan Ryan, IF Scott Sizemore. Ichiro Suzuki used to be one of the best hitters but his body has aged and he no longer has the capability he once had. This is what happens to Earthlings. For the first twenty of their Earth years or so, their bodies are in development. The next ten of their years are the best years and then their bodies begin to age. They only exist for approximately eighty Earth years before ceasing to live. One wonders how they accomplish anything in that short amount of time. Perhaps that is why they remain in perpetual conflict - they have not the time to gain the wisdom to stop before they perish.

A curious thing about the Yankees' starting pitching - they all end with the same letter. I thought this strange and theorized that they did, perhaps, hail from the same area. I was thus astonished to discover that not only did they not hail from the same place, but, indeed, hailed from places very far apart on the planet Earth.

1. CC Sabathia hails from California, a place within the region of America
2. Hiroki Kuroda hails from Japan
3. Masahiro Tanaka hails from Japan
4. Ivan Nova hails from Dominican
5. Michael Pineda hails from Dominican

A strange thing about the players from the Japanese tribe is that there is a major league base-ball in their land but they choose to play in the region called America. This is because the Major League Base-ball of America has more wealth than that of Japan. The New York Yankees often buy the services of the best players of the league in Japan because they have more wealth than all of the other teams. Masahiro Tanaka is the latest addition to the team from the league of Japan, and though every team wanted him, the Yankees won a contest to purchase his services because they have the most wealth.

The probable finishing pitchers are David Robertson, Shawn Kelly, Matt Thornton, David Phelps, Dellin Betances, Cesar Cabral, Adam Warren. It should be noted that David Robertson is considered the top finisher and is new. The body of their elder finisher called "Mariano Rivera" grew too aged to continue playing. He was beloved by the citizens of the city of New York and by fans of the great game of base-ball in general. This season's bullpen is probably the weakest part of the Yankees team and might be a problem during the season. Last season it wasn't good aside from Mariano Rivera and the team did not make the post-season.

It should be noted that this team has many fans on planet Earth, the most fans of any of the Major League Base-ball teams. Even Earthlings who do not hail from the city of New York or from the region of America like this team. However, many Earthlings also despise the Yankees. This could be for many reasons, perhaps the predominant one being the inequality exhibited by the wealthy Yankees. From what I can tell, the Yankees use other teams to develop young players and then buy them when they reach their primes.

I will be interested to see if the New York Yankees have, in effect, bought their way into the post-season. Using their vast wealth does not guarantee success; however, it does not hurt their chances.

Gagarin reviews the Boston Red Sox

Gagarin's observations of the videos he receives on his radio wave transmission machine. Translated from the original Tralfamadorian, the language spoken on planet Tralfamadore. 

It has come to my attention that the aliens I have discovered are called "Earthlings" after the planet they live on called "Earth." I have also realized that when you write the names of base-ball players, you must use a different letter at the beginning of each name called a "capital" letter. In my previous entry I have spelled names like "chris davis" but I have learned that I should write them like "Chris Davis." Also, the names of the cities and the teams should be written like "Baltimore Orioles." I do not know why this is the case but I will continue to watch the videos for any clues to the answer.

Today I am going to write about the team from the city of "Boston" that is nicknamed the "Red Sox." They are named after the color of their socks. I do not know why the name "Sox" is spelled differently than the word "socks," which is what these Earthlings wear on their feet under footwear called "shoes." As I have previously mentioned, the Earthling body is very fragile. Their feet are soft and they are unable to walk without these "shoes." There are many types of shoes. Some, as I have discovered, are very practical and serve to protect the feet, while others are for decoration and sometimes even harm the foot of the Earthling. This is a very puzzling aspect of the Earthling. They do very harmful things to their fragile bodies. I do not know what purpose the red socks serve the team from Boston, but I have a theory that their shoes are poorly designed and the socks protect their feet from their shoes. Base-ball players wear special shoes with spikes on the bottom, presumably to dig into the ground to help them run faster. This makes sense, as they are tasked with advancing between the bases, and they must start running from a stationary position.

The city of Boston is one of the oldest cities in that region of their planet Earth, but it is very young in the universe. It has existed for more than four hundred Earth years, which I have calculated to be the equivalent of three hundred and forty-two of Trafalmadore's orbits around our sun. It is something of a sacred city to a tribe called "Americans," the people who created the game of base-ball. From the videos I have seen of the history of this tribe, they have an enemy called "Red Coats." A curious thing, this naming groups of people after the color of their clothing. The people of Boston celebrate an event which is far stranger than naming groups after the color of their clothing. Each year they commemorate a night when their ancestors threw a shipment of an herbal drink called "tea" into the water in a protest that served as something of a catalyst for a great war they fought with these Red Coats. I look forward to learning more about this tea war.

I have learned that not all of the base-ball players are members of this tribe called "Americans," but they hail from different regions on their planet. The physical features of Earthlings are widely varied. Some have different skin colors. Others have eyes of different shapes. The heights of these Earthlings also varies greatly. One of the most prominent members of the team called the "Boston Red Sox," indeed, hails from a tribe called "Domincan." The location of the Dominican tribe is somewhere south of the region of America. The player's name is "David Ortiz," but he is also known as "Big Papi," which tells me that he must be some sort of chieftain. He is, among base-ball players, an elder. He now plays the position of "designated hitter," a position only played in the "American League." I wish to learn more about the reasoning behind having different rules in the two leagues, but none of the videos have revealed this information thus far.

Big Papi won the World Series Most Valuable Player in the previous season for helping the Boston Red Sox win the championship, known as the "World Series." This is also puzzling to me. It appears that Major League Base-ball is limited to the region of the Americans, yet the championship series claims to be a global event. Contrast this with the "World Cup," which is the football game played by the whole world, and you must wonder about the mentality of the American tribe. Do they believe they are better people than the rest of the world? If they do, why?

The infield of the Boston Red Sox base-ball team consists of these players: Mike Napoli is firstbaseman, Dustin Pedroia is secondbaseman, Xander Bogaerts is shortstop, and Will Middlebrooks is thirdbaseman. Of these, Will Middlebrooks is the weakest player, with a history of being just average, though he has not played very much in the Major League Base-ball. Mike Napoli is an above average player and can hit twenty home-runs during a season, which is good, not great, but more than adequate for a good base-ball team. Dustin Pedroia is one of the best secondbasemans in base-ball, having once won the American League Most Valuable Player award, which is the most prestigious award a player can win. Xander Bogaerts only played in 18 Major League Base-ball games, but he is considered a future star, and the Boston Red Sox Base-ball team has what Americans call "high hopes" for him. All in all, this is a very good infield for the defending "world" champions.

As for the outfield, this is a question mark. The team had a very good outfielder called "Jacoby Ellsbury," but he left to play on another team. Instead, players called "Grady Sizemore" and "Jackie Bradley" will compete for playing time. Grady Sizemore was once an excellent player for the team known as the "Cleveland Indians," but his body broke down and he has never been the same player. A young player called "Daniel Nava" will play leftfielder. He hit above .300 last year, which has traditionally been the mark of a good hitter, though there is some disagreement about whether that is an accurate measurement. One day I will talk about the statistics of baseball, but it is complicated and I am still trying to understand it myself. Some of their statistics seem to be arbitrary and without scientific analysis. Back to the outfield, at rightfielder will be Shane Victorino, an above average player who hits first in the lineup. Hitting first in the lineup means a player is fast and gets on base frequently. It is called "batting leadoff."

Pitching-wise, the Boston Red Sox team has a very good starting pitcher rotation. The pitchers are called Jon Lester, John Lackey, Clay Buchholz, Jake Peavy, and Felix Doubrant. Jake Peavy joined the team at the end of last season. As for the finishers of the game, two are called Koji Uehara and Junichi Tazawa, who hail from the tribe of people called "Japanese." This land is far away from the land of the Americans and they speak a different language with a way of writing that is vastly different. I discovered, however, that many Earthlings are capable of speaking other languages that are found on the planet. However, the American tribe appears to be limited in its own capabilities, though members of other tribes frequently have learned to converse in the American language. These two Japanese players, however, appear to be limited to their own language and use an interpreter to speak on the videos. Further investigation is warranted.

To return to the finishers, called the "bullpen" as noted in an earlier diary entry, a man from a tribe called "Venezuela" is counted on to help bring relief to the starting pitchers. Venezuela is located even further south than the land of the Dominicans. The other bullpen pitchers are Craig Breslow, Andrew Miller, Burke Badenhop, and Chris Capuano.

These pitchers will throw to catchers called "A.J. Pierzynski" and "David Ross." A curious name, this "Pierzynski." The spelling of the name does not fit the conventional spelling patterns of other members of the American tribe. I would like to know more about this name and hope to find answers in videos I may receive in the future.

One of the vital aspects of the great game of base-ball that I neglected to mention in my entry about the Baltimore Orioles is what is called the "bench." These players literally sit on a bench on the side of the field while the others play the game, then, when a certain situation arises, they may be substituted for the players, either in the field or at bat. I have mentioned two centerfielders and two catchers above. Whichever two who aren't playing will sit on the bench until they are needed. Others of these bench players are called Mike Carp, Jonny Gomes, and Jonathan Herrera.

The Boston Red Sox base-ball team is once again very good and could make it to the post-season, but as I said in the Baltimore Orioles entry, this is a very good and difficult division, so there are no guarantees.

Gagarin reviews the Baltimore Orioles

Gagarin's observations of the videos he receives on his radio wave transmission machine. Translated from the original Tralfamadorian, the language spoken on planet Tralfamadore.

Still a long time until the great game season starts. I have been documenting my observations based on the radio wave transmissions I have been receiving from an alien planet that is billions of lightyears from Tralfamadore, and I thought I should give a review of each of the teams in what we have come to know as the game of "base-ball," named for the stations, called "bases," that players run between when trying to score points for their team, called "runs." From what I have gathered, I see that there are thirty of these "base-ball" teams in the most important league on this planet, called "major league base-ball." They have divided this major league into halves, calling one the "american league" and one the "national league." These leagues are divided further into three divisions each. I am still trying to determine what these names mean, but the leagues and divisions appear to be useful in determining a champion at the end of the season.

One of the teams comes from a city called "baltimore." They have a nickname, the "orioles" like a kind of bird on their planet and they wear black and orange uniforms. I have done some research on this city "baltimore" based on the available videos I have received through my machine and this is what I have discovered: it is a city that is located along a large body of water that leads to an ocean, so water transportation is important to the city. A base-ball deity called "babe ruth" hailed from the city, though he was associated with another team from a different city called "newyork." The city of baltimore is known for producing doctors and other positions associated with maintaining the well-being of the civilization on the planet. [A side note: the people from this planet seem to have fragile bodies, perhaps as a result of their destructive tendencies. I plan to conduct a thorough assessment of the state of their well-being in the future.] Baltimore suffers from much violence, as I have learned from videos of the city which are labeled "the wire." These videos show a frightening picture of this civilization, including the voluntary use of chemical substances which leads to many negative consequences, such as the destruction of the body and increased violent tendencies. The videos, which I have kept secret from the Tralfamadore public, are in stark contrast to the beautiful diamond on which the orioles play the game of base-ball, which we broadcast into the homes of every Tralfamadorian.

As the orioles prepare for the season, they have a large list of players that could potentially be on the team. Some of them are guaranteed to be on the team, while others are competing with each other to make what is called a "roster." One of these players is called "chris davis." This player hails from a different city called "longviewtexas" but he is beloved by the baltimore civilization because he hits the ball over the fence more than all of the other players. This is called a "home-run" and gives the team an automatic point, plus points are given if there are any runners on the bases. When he plays in the field as the other team bats, he plays the position called "firstbaseman." Some people wonder if he will hit as many balls over the fence as he did last year, because last year he surprised everyone by hitting so many of them. But he is still expected to hit a lot of them.

At the position they call "secondbaseman," they have a player called "jemile weeks" from "orlandoflorida." He has not played very much in the major league base-ball but he was considered good at the minor league base-ball, which is where players learn and become good enough for the major league. Another player called "ryan flaherty" from "portlandmain" could also be the secondbaseman. Those two players may split playing time. The player who used to play secondbaseman called "brian roberts" from "durhamnorthcarolina" has decided to play for a different team. Next to the secondbaseman at the position called "shortstop" is a player called "j j hardy" from "tucsonarizona." He is a good shortstop though far from the best shortstop. I do not know why the position is called "shortstop" but it is a position that fills the gap in the infield because the players known as "basemans" do not stand on the base that they are named for. At the position they call "thirdbaseman" is a very good young player called "manny machado" from "miamiflorida." He had a very serious injury that required the use of the doctors to repair his body so he could play base-ball this year. He does not hit a lot of balls over the fence but some people say he could hit more over the fence because he hits a lot of doubles and he is young and his body is not a fully grown body of this alien race, and when a body becomes fully grown it gets stronger. One question about this manny machado is if he will start the season on time because that body may not be ready.

In base-ball, there are three positions they call "outfielder." They are divided based on where they stand in the outfield. One is the "leftfielder," one is "centerfielder," and the other is "rightfielder." On the orioles, the rightfielder is a player called "nick markakis" from "glencovenewyork." He is a good player who can be counted on to be consistent. Next to him is a very good young player called "adam jones" from "sandiegocalifornia." He hits many balls over the fence and he is also very fast, which is a valuable combination to have in the major league base-ball. At this point, we are unsure who will play the leftfielder position. This is because a player called "nate mcclouth" from "muskegonmichigan"will play for another team. The orioles must replace him with another player, and two possibilities are called "david lough" from "akronohio" and "nolan reimold" from "greenvillepennsylvania." I do not know very much about either of these players. David lough has not played very much in the major league base-ball and nolan reimold has not had much success in the major league. Henry urrutia or delmon young could also play the position of leftfielder. I do not know from where they hail.

The civilization of baltimore rejoiced recently when they put a new pitcher on the team called "ubaldo jimenez" from "naguadominicanrepublic" who has had much success in the major league base-ball. In base-ball, you have five pitchers to start the games, and they only pitch once every five games. This is because, as I said before, the bodies of this alien race are fragile, and if they pitch too much, their arms break. Ubaldo jimenez will be the best pitcher on the team. The others are called "chris tillman," "wei-yin chen," "bud norris," and "miguel gonzalez." I do not know from where they hail, as the videos have not revealed this information to me. This is not a very great rotation of pitchers, but it is serviceable. The orioles had a very good pitcher called "jason hammel" but he left to play on another team. These five pitchers are not sure to start the games. Others who could start the games are called "kevin gausman," "suk-min yoon," "brian matusz," or "zach britton," or even another pitcher who is not on the team yet, like "irvin santana," who might end up on the team.

As I mentioned, these aliens cannot pitch a lot or their arms will break, so they have other pitchers to finish the games if they throw the ball too much. These finishers are collectively called "the bullpen." I have not learned why they are named after the place where a kind of animal dwells. I will continue to try to learn the reason for this as I watch more of the videos. The bullpen could be a problem for the orioles team. They had one bullpen called "jim johnson," but he left to play on another team. He was the only consistent one in the last season. The bullpen players are called "tommy hunter," who is supposed to be the top finisher, "darren oday," "ryan webb," "brian matusz," "edgmer escalona," "brad brach," and "steve johnson." There are other bullpen players who may make the team, but these who I mention lead the list, according to the video I watched called "major league base-ball network."

There is one other position I have neglected to mention. It is the position that is the receiver of the throws of the pitcher called "catcher." The orioles team has a good catcher called "matt wieters" from "charlestonsouthcarolina." He did not play as well last year as he was expected to, but he is still very young and will probably improve. He is a good player to have on your team.

That is my summary of the baltimore orioles base-ball team. Personally, I am rooting for the orioles above the other teams in this division called the "american league east," which is based on geographic location of the teams. They are very good but the other teams in their division are very good, too. These are called "newyork yankees," "boston redsox," "tampabay rays," and "toronto bluejays." I will record my observations about these teams at a later date.

Meet Gagarin from Tralfamadore

Translated from the original Tralfamadorian, the language spoken on planet Tralfamadore. 

Greetings. My name is Gagarin. I am a scientist on the planet Tralfamadore. Recently I invented a machine that allows me to pick up radiowaves billions of light years away. At first, it was just noise that my machine received and I had no way to interpret it. I had to tinker with the machine, adding a screen to view the data that I was getting, and what I discovered was nothing more than astounding. I had discovered an entire civilization existed on a distant planet somewhere in the universe.

The noises they made were gibberish to me, but I developed an algorithm that allowed me to translate their language into Tralfamadorian so I could understand what they were talking about. After watching several days worth of their videos, I learned that they spoke not one, but many languages, some of them very similar to each other but others being very different, even using entirely distinct alphabets or symbols to write their languages. I found this interesting, as we speak only Tralfamadorian on our planet despite our population of seven billion people. What communication problems these aliens must have! It's no wonder they try to destroy each other, as I learned from their videos.

Initially, I thought them hostile and vile beings due to their violent nature, but then I began to see their soft side, the one where they love, laugh, and and exhibit tender displays of empathy and compassion, sentiments that are not very common on my planet. I began to enjoy these kinds of videos, and then I began to dream of what their planet must be like. It certainly looks beautiful, though they don't seem to appreciate that.

It was in one of these moments of daydreaming when I first discovered their sports. How fascinating that they spend so much time playing games! By far the most popular sport is the one where they kick around a little ball. I have gathered from many hours of watching such programs, that one of the biggest events on their planet is this "football" tournament in which all of their people are engaged, with the notable exception of one part of their planet, a people who seem to be the bullies and take pride in not cooperating with the rest of the people in their world.

Lest you think these are bad people, they aren't. Perhaps "misguided" may be the appropriate term. These people seem to be among some of the most creative on their planet. Indeed, most of the videos I receive come from this one part of the world. It is in this land where they have perfected a game in which I have become completely enthralled, enamored, even, a game played with a stick and a little white sphere on a verdant field they call a diamond, like the sparkling rock they frequently fight over. There is a man they call a "pitcher" and another called a "batter" and this pitcher tries to throw the sphere past the batter, who, in turn, tries to hit it where men called "fielders" are not standing. There is something beautifully simple about this game, something that reminds you of the innocence of childhood.

A new season of this game is about to begin. On their planet, temperatures become cold during a portion of the year, and they can't play the game until it gets warm again. Because of the way their planet orbits their sun, there are certain parts of the planet that are warmer than others. This is why the players of this game travel to more southern parts of the region to practice and prepare for the season. They will move north to their various cities after the vernal equinox. I look forward to the beginning of this season.

I have won many prestigious awards for my invention, but I feel guilty. Until now, my invention has been held in secret, and only I knew about the existence of this alien civilization. When I discovered this game, I knew I had to share it with our world. I have not shared other videos; I do not want my planet to know how the civilization regularly attempts to destroy itself and its planet. No, I prefer to let them believe this civilization is great, as demonstrated by this beautiful game. We broadcast the games into the homes of our people; there is not one person on our planet who does not tune into our broadcasts.

This is my diary. I will be writing in it throughout the season so that future generations may know about this great game in the event that the civilization finally succeeds in destroying itself. I have a countdown calendar on my wall that I have created based on my calculations for how long their days and nights are. I can hardly contain my excitement for what they call "Opening Day."

Hiber Nation

It's cold today.

Sometimes it feels as if this winter will never end, as if we'll never see flowers again and we'll be confined to coats and hats and scarves and gloves and that our four walls will forever keep us indoors. At this time of year baseball fans are keeping countdowns and looking at schedules, and if they're lucky enough, have purchased their tickets to Florida or Arizona to steal an early glimpse of spring, but it's so cold outside and the days are still so short that I have to wonder if the spring will ever come.

In this winter when only hibernation is the correct reaction, I've taken a strong liking to the Washington Capitals, moreso than ever before, and I watch most of the games on television, though with half the games of MLB, it feels like there are too many off days. I finally went to a game this season at about the start of a very bad month of losing. Go ahead, blame me. It'll be hard to root against Ovi during the Olympics but maybe I can force my brain to put Putin's head on Ovi's body and then it won't be so hard. Of course, Ovi and too many Russians are fans of their dictator-lite, and I see shades of the political rivalry that our two nations held for so long. Things are not the same, however. A decade of wars and the rape of any respect for our government by our citizens has weakened the US while Russia is on the rise. Capitalism has triumphed in the sense that corporations have taken control of our minds (BUY! BUY! BUY!) while the Russians look to government to solve their problems and succeed in a warped sort of way, as they only had up to go. The Olympics are supposed to be a "Look at us, United States!" kind of event. It's pretty transparent. Some magazine - was it Forbes? - called Putin "the most powerful man in the world." Ha. What has he done? They gave him credit for Syria. Where's the success in that? They gave him credit for Iran. So why is Iran sending warships to our maritime borders? I remember he ate lunch in the building I worked several years ago, and I wanted to go down there and spit on him just as I do now. I can't stand human rights abusers.

But at least we have the Olympics to keep us occupied in the coming weeks, and then there is Spring Training. (I just got a new phone so I'll be able to stream games from anywhere. Already downloaded MLB at Bat.) I'll be hoping for another post season for the Capitals, but if they don't figure it out soon, that won't happen. I was thinking about boycotting the Olympics but thought, "What good would that do?" because I'm not going to buy anything just because the sponsors tell me to. I buy what I buy, which isn't a lot, and no amount of advertising will persuade me to buy something I don't need. I feel like Fry on that episode of Futurama when he's the only one in the universe whose thoughts can't be read by the Dark Ones.

I try to imagine a world in which we aren't bombarded by advertising and how differently we would live. Our whole economic system would be different, heck, our whole planet would be different. I'm not sure I can even imagine it in a few minutes for a blog post - that would be something to tackle in a novel. Most people can't imagine it at all because what we have is all they know and understand. Go ahead and give it a try. Imagine baseball without advertising. Imagine players playing for love of the game rather than exorbitant salaries. Imagine not having your childhood memories ripped apart when some greedy owner decides that he needs a new stadium. Imagine not buying a different player's jersey every year after the one you wore last year left in free agency. Imagine all the people living life in peace. Woo oo oooo. You may say that I'm a dreamer...but I'm not the only one...

By the way, in case you didn't know, hiber is Latin for winter. The Romans used to call Ireland "Hibernia" because they thought it was so cold. They didn't even try to invade, according to most accounts. I think it is safe to say that we can call ourselves the United States of Hibernia after this winter. March can't come soon enough.

Ballplayers at war?

Today's Date in History: 1942 - Cleveland Indians pitcher Bob Feller reports to Norfolk, Virginia for duty in the United States Navy. Feller, who led the American League in victories in three previous seasons, will miss this season, as well as the 1943 and 1944 seasons before returning for nine games in 1945. Despite missing the time due to the World War II effort, Feller will lead the league in wins 1946, 1947, and 1951, amassing 266 victories during an 18-year major league career. - Baseball Hall of Fame

Every time I see a story about baseball players going off to war, I marvel at how much we've changed as a country. It used to be a duty to serve your country; now, Americans think they're patriotic if they sing God Bless America at baseball games while mooching their freedom off the service of others. Indeed, with the vitriol spewed against our government and paying taxes, it's almost as if many Americans hate their country. It's ask me not to do anything for my country, let someone else do it.

Imagine today's ballplayer being asked to serve. Sure, it's a nice gesture giving free tickets to military families or donating money to wounded warriors, but what would they do if our country was attacked or if we faced a threat to humanity of the magnitude of Nazism? I find it difficult to believe many of them would enlist to defend the freedom that gives them the opportunity to play a game for a living. It's easy to sign a check when you're making millions of dollars a year. How many athletes enlisted when we were attacked on 9/11? Is Pat Tillman the only one?

We've been at war for generations now; we spend $700 billion annually on war costs, drying up the treasury for programs that would help our own citizens. Families have been ripped apart like the bodies we've sent overseas. Yet you never see a ballplayer standing up and doing the one thing that would support the troops the most: opposing incessant warfare. World War I was supposed to be "the war to end all wars" and World War II was supposed to take down the psychopathic dictator who interrupted that idea. But we've never stopped fighting wars since.

#oilatstake

Thinking about bandwagons

Chris is the weird guy at the end of the bar listening to opera with no headphones on a transistor radio. When opera isn't on, that radio is tuned into whatever manner of sports talk radio he can find, or he's watching it on the television, or both at the same time. I am constantly subjected to those shouting heads who prove that we award far too many college degrees in this country. Because of it, I hear information about sports other than baseball, even the spectacle that is known as the NBA. One outcome of this subjugation is that it has made me realize how much of a superfan I am when it comes to baseball.

I have rooted for the Capitals and Redskins for awhile, having lived in DC for most of the last ten years, the Capitals more than the Redskins as I like hockey more than football. But I had no emotional investment in those teams or those sports. I went to Caps games back when you could get $10 tickets and move down because no one went to games in the pre-Ovi days and the NHL was hurting from the 2004-2005 lockout. Still, I didn't watch the games on TV unless they were on in a bar and there wasn't anything to talk about. I didn't much notice the cancellation of the hockey season in 2004-2005. However, by the time of the 2012-2013 lockout, I did notice. Ovi had made hockey fun to watch, and I actually missed seeing the Caps play. The annual trip to the playoffs didn't hurt, either. I was on the bandwagon.

This season, we actually go out with the purpose of watching the Caps games. I'm looking forward to tonight's game and plan to make an event of it at Lou's. They haven't played since Tuesday, and I find myself contrasting the weird NHL schedule to the MLB schedule, where off days are rare. In hockey, you can play two or three games in a row then have three or four days off, and it seems like it's a momentum killer at times. This may be the first season that I've actually noticed that.

I've also noticed that I don't know a lot of the rules of hockey. I recently learned about the overtime rules and how you get one point in the standings for just making it to overtime, a very basic rule that determines playoff positions. I don't know most of the opposing NHL players, and I don't usually watch hockey games if the Caps aren't playing, unlike in baseball when I can name at least half of the rosters of every team and know some of their prospects, too. That's starting to change, as I find myself glancing at the screens of hockey when the Caps aren't playing, and two nights ago I actually watched the entire Blackhawks-Flyers game. I still had to look up the standings to find out what division those teams played in. I suspected the Flyers were in the Caps' division but I didn't have any idea how good they are this year. Contrast that with baseball, when after the All-Star break I can name the place in the standings of every team in baseball.

This must be how many Americans view baseball. I know there are far more baseball fans than hockey fans in this country, and the length of the season exposes us to the game for twice as long as the icy sport, but how can I snicker at the person who sits behind me at a baseball game and asks questions to clarify certain rules? I'm sure the odd Caps fan has overheard me ask stupid questions about hockey, rolling his eyes and lamenting the Caps "bandwagon." And what happens when the Caps stop being a good team? Will I lose interest and jump off the bandwagon?

I don't know. If the Redskins are any indication, that answer is probably no, at least not while I live in DC. (It took years for me to stop paying attention to the Giants when I moved from California, and I still have a soft spot in my heart for them, except when they're beating the Reds in the playoffs.) Sure, I stopped watching the Redskins when it was clear there were no playoffs this year, but even diehard fans jumped ship on this disaster of a season. Sure, I pay attention when they're doing well, but who wants to watch the biggest joke in the NFL? I'll watch next year. I mean, I lose interest in the Reds when they're out of contention in August; it's natural, right?

For so long I mocked the Nats bandwagon fans, but I think that is more because they carry that same Washington arrogance that I can't stand about this city more than that they were becoming fans. It was the know-it-all attitude (and the often incorrect information they stated about the team and the game of baseball) that I came to despise. It was being told to sit down when the team was rallying. It was thinking a guy like Adam LaRoche could be MVP and then being offended when I pointed out he wasn't as good as it seemed, or being ridiculed for saying he was not worth that big contract that he was given. It was the arrogance in crowning the Nats World Series champs in February 2013, in thinking it was ok to shut down the top pitcher on the staff because the team would just run over everyone in the playoffs, in criticizing future HOF manager Davey Johnson when things didn't go as they planned.

I don't find myself doing the same kind of stuff when it comes to the Caps. I know I don't know a lot about hockey, and I'm certainly not going to tell someone who's been a fan for 36 years that they don't know what they're talking about as Nats fans did to me (how'd LaRoche do this season, suckers?) We didn't have an NHL team in Ohio when I grew up, but my mother did take us to Dayton Bombers games, and I went to most of the hockey games at Miami University when I was there, so I did have some exposure to the sport. But it wasn't until I moved to Washington when I had a team I could root for. So I'm not sure if my Caps fandom counts as bandwagon or not. All I know is that I'm developing a hatred for the Rangers and the Penguins and I think that is an important step in any relationship with a sports team.

Baseball and the Canaanites

As I was writing a blog piece on what amounts to the end of chapters of happiness in our lives, I began to think about the changing seasons, which naturally led to thoughts of baseball seasons.

My 2010 was a good one, a protracted one which ended not on December 31, 2010, as is the convention, but a whole season later on March 31, 2011. The year began with me being shipped to Beirut for four months from January to May. I watched the Reds on Opening Day from a four-star hotel in Nicosia, Cyprus, and I was able to catch the day games form a a hotel bar in my neighborhood in Beirut until I went home for the summer. Lebanon actually had a government that year and there was some semblance of stability, so there were reasons to be more hopeful than usual.

At the risk of making conflict sound trivial, I held a similar kind of hope for the baseball season. The young Reds prospects had a few seasons under their belts, we had just won the bidding war for Aroldis Chapman, and the shouting heads in sports media often picked the Reds to win the division. I sublet an apartment that summer and MLB Extra Innings came with it, which is how I watched most of the Reds games that season.

I had reached a point in my life when I could afford to take vacations, and in September I took on to Paris and Beirut, which I had planned much earlier in the year. I watched the Bruce homer make those media predictions a reality in that same hotel bar in Beirut. Our decade-long nightmare was over. Life seemed nearly perfect. When I returned, my life started to crumble. The Reds being swept out of the first round of the playoffs was a precursor of things to come. My organization lost its funding that week; I was out of a job soon after that. It seemed as if as the Reds go, so goes my life.

Rather than mope, I made the decision to go back to Beirut to continue the work I had started and to find new consulting opportunities. It was winter, anyway, the off season of both baseball and mental contentment, and why live in winter when you can have the Mediterranean sun instead? I didn't miss the snow and cold, that's for sure. My return flight was set for March 30, 2011. I could have stayed a few weeks longer on my visa, but I chose the date for a reason: Opening Day was April 1, and the Lebanese internet had deteriorated enough that I could no longer stream games, so I HAD to go home to see it!

When the time came, my flight had been pushed back a day, and I wouldn't get back to the US until April 1. It would be close, but I thought I could make it on time for first pitch. I ended up having a 19 hour layover in London, so I spent a melancholic day wandering its streets rather than sitting in the hell that is Heathrow.

As I was flying to Denver on April 2, I chose a hotel near National Airport from where I'd leave rather than Dulles where I'd be landing. Dulles is truly a pain in the ass. I know how to slyly push my way past all the people with more money than I have who sit in front of me on the planes. I know to stand in the front of the transport car to the terminal no matter how many times we are asked to move to the back, because the customs line can be forever long. I know how to dodge people in the airport to get to the Washington Flyer bus back to Washington like I'm a pro-Bowl running back. But you can't predict the Flyer schedule, and you can't predict the Metro schedule (!), and you can't predict the accuracy of the hotel statements that say "Near Metro" on their websites, and you can't predict there will be taxis at the Huntington Metro Station, and so by the time I connected to the Reds game, I had missed the first inning.

But it was only one inning.

In the span of 48 hours I had stepped foot in three capital cities on three continents, and there I sat in a Ramada Inn in a suburb of Virginia, watching a baseball game, with no job or no place to live. The absurdity of it all.

That week, I experienced my first snowout at a baseball game at Coors Field as well as a seventy degree Rockies game TWO DAYS LATER. I spent the summer in Ohio and attended several Reds games at home, but the season was a bust. So, too, was the new job I got that August. But that's a story for another day.


If you enjoyed this post, please head over to From Beirut to Jupiter to read a reflection on the changing seasons of our lives.

*The land of Canaan in the Bible is present day southern Lebanon. The Canaanites were know as the Phoenicians in Greek, the civilization that invented the alphabet.

#NoRoof

Oh yeah, I was livid when I heard the news that the rich bastards who own the Nationals wanting to put a roof on the ballpark. Not only that, but they wanted to use $300 million in TAXPAYER money. I don't think that's going to happen; the council members who voted to use taxpayer money to fund the building of the ballpark were voted out of office the next election. Approving a $300 million roof would be political suicide, and we're due for a mayoral election next year.

But the roof could happen anyway, if they come up with some alternate source of funding.

What a crime.

Baseball is an outdoor game. It is the essence of summer, invoking memories of carefree days of childhood, when we were free from the confines of school for a few months each year. Mine was the first generation to grow up in the new indoors-focused world. We still played outside. We still went to camp. But we longed to be inside watching television or playing video games until we were forced to go out and let our imaginations keep us occupied. It was the time right before parents became paranoid that a boogeyman lurked in every corner waiting to snatch their precious snowflakes. The internet was not yet public, computers were too expensive for many families, and the cordless telephone was a device to marvel.

The transition to an indoors-only society is nearly complete. The only time many people go outside is to get into their cars. Much has been made about how children spend all their time in front of screens, but it's the same for adults. We as a society have completely lost touch with the natural world, and it's affecting not only our physical health, but our mental health as well. Now we have something called "Nature Deficit Disorder." Medical costs associated with obesity and inactivity are nearly $150 billion a year. Depression and anxiety are common. Mental illness is on the rise.

Americans are terrified of being outside. They demand a controlled environment at all times. It's too hot. It's too cold. I might get wet. I might get sunburnt. I might sweat. Despite our impending energy crisis, people turn on their ACs when the temperature gets above 70 degrees, and their bodies can no longer acclimate to elevated temperatures. Some people want a roof because they don't like being "uncomfortable." Last season, I heard time and time again, "It's too hot to go to the ballgame." Too hot. Why? Because they sit in a refrigerator all day so their bodies can't adjust to the heat. They're afraid of sweat, their body's natural way to cool itself. Natural. Nature. It terrifies them. Bunch of whiners. Superficial bullshit.

Washington, DC does not have an excessively rainy climate. Last season was a bit rainier than usual, and the Nationals had four rainouts and several more rain delays. That hardly justifies spending $300 million to put a roof on a ballpark. But these are wealthy businessmen, so they know that. DC doesn't get excessively hot or cold, either, not like Arizona or Milwaukee. So what is their motive? Some have suggested they want to hold off-season concerts, which would require installing new grass annually. (Have you seen the state of the outfield after the concerts they do have?) Others have said they want to move the team a la the assholes in Barves country. That doesn't seem plausible, either, given that they've invested in developing the area around the ballpark.

Could it be they're just bad at baseball?

Let's examine the evidence.

• They screwed up the new ballpark. Instead of having iconic views of the Capitol Building in the outfield, they turned the field the wrong way and built ugly parking garages that block what views you could have had. [Check out Deadspin's, "Why Your Stadium Sucks: Nationals Park.]
• They forced local businesses to pay for that ballpark, not only by taxing them directly but also taxing the utilities they use. With interest, the cost of the ballpark comes close to one BILLION dollars, but the Nationals pay none of that, except for a marginal rent of $5 million. Yeah, million.
• They shut down their best pitcher instead of figuring out a way to reduce innings during the season, which kept him from pitching in the playoffs, arrogantly assuming they'd be back in the playoffs the next season.
• They want to spend $300 million on an unnecessary roof but won't pay to keep Metro open past midnight, forcing fans to leave games early or take cabs, of which there are never enough for 15K+ who need transportation. People are sometimes stranded. Again, the rich bastards tried to get the city to pay to keep Metro open for Nats games. It's an ongoing issue that has never been resolved.
• They cater to fellow rich elites and the Washington powerful. Us peons are merely cash machines. Beers are $9. Try finding a t-shirt for less than $40 in the team shop.

They're not just bad at baseball, they're bad people. It's called corporate welfare. The Lerners take, take, take and what do they provide for the city? A team that breaks your heart more often than not.

People, don't let them put a roof on the ballpark. Get outside. Get some fresh air. Learn that raindrops won't make you melt and sweat won't ruin your life.

I'm tired of writing this, so "The End."

It's All Relativity

It's 35 degrees outside and that's being kind. On days like this you wish your entire city was built underground - I envision everyone having a basement with a door that leads to tunnels to get you where you need to go. Even the weak sunlight is depressing. Artificial lighting seems less oppressive under these conditions. I envy bears who hibernate during these months. This seems impossible:

It's in Beirut, if you're wondering.

One day I found myself on that beach, far away from the United States and the baseball season. I'm not sure that an ocean isn't the same as four months as far as separation goes. Space and time are kind of the same thing, if you know anything about space and time. Physicists have actually combined the terms to form "spacetime" as a singular concept. Well, if not a concept, at least a relationship, sort of like a marriage, as space exists in three dimensions and time is a fourth dimension. In terms of relativity, time can't be separated from the three dimensions of space, because "the observed rate at which time passes for an object depends on the object's velocity relative to the observer and also on the strength of gravitational fields, which can slow the passage of time."

I wonder what a baseball game would be like on the moon. It only has 1/6th of Earth's gravity, so does that mean you can hit it six times further? Maybe if you made the baseball six times heavier you could simulate an Earth game? You probably couldn't throw anything but straight fastballs. The real fun would be trying to field the ball. Ha! And just think, the fastest runner would probably run like Prince Fielder.

And how long would that game take. If gravitational fields slow the passage of time, does that mean you're gonna play a baseball game that is six times as long as an Earth game? Will it take you an average of 18 hours to finish? How long would a game pitched by Clay Buchholz or C.C. Sabathia take? A year?

Baseball on the moon. What a concept.

Time to Fix the Choo Choo

So this is the off-season. Some of you have probably gone into hibernation. It's not a bad decision, really. I envy bears. I mean, think about it, they get to sleep through the entire winter AND wake up skinny? Of all creatures on Earth, bears must be at the very top of the evolutionary chart.

The Reds, on the other hand, feel like amoebas sometimes. They have this awesome ability to develop into a higher life-form, and they just don't. They might evolve into an insect of some sort, but a lowly kind of insect, not bees or butterflies or any kind of useful bug like that. And just when they're about to evolve again, they lose a leg. Sure, they can still walk, but it's an awkward walk, limping along with desperate hopes that spring will regenerate that leg.

The firing of Dusty Baker was a massive step in the right direction. Here you have a guy who couldn't light a fire in the team if he was carrying a blow torch. Turned on. And everyone was doused in lighter fluid. That Wild Card game...wow. You'd think they didn't even care. They should have been jumping up and down in the dugout. They should have been shouting. But it was like they had given up since they dropped all of those games at the end of the season and didn't win the division.

I hope watching Taint Louis in the World Series hurt them.

In recent years, we've had some decent off seasons. Getting Chapman certainly felt like a coup, and the Latos for Steroid Kids deal with the Padres was a good one. Signing Votto, Bruce, and Phillips for multiple years at hefty price tags was good news, too, and then there was the trade for Choo.

TAKE THE MONEY, CHOO.

Look, when was the last time you can remember the Reds having a leadoff hitter who, you know, got on base? I don't remember one. Stick him in leftfield and let Hamilton cover center. How could you ask for a better outfield? Ludwick would be a great bat off the bench, albeit one with a bigger price tag than what Walt seems willing to pay to decorate the pine. It hasn't worked, Walt. The Izturuses and um...I can't even think of the others because they're all the same...they don't work. Nothing like rallying only to have the Izturuses come up to bat and kill it all. They're like deer hunters on a deer farm. Easy targets!

I sure hope the Reds can evolve over the winter. Sure, getting to the playoffs is nice, but losing in this manner year after year is beyond disappointing. To quote our eminent Reds fan Charlie Sheen, that Wildcard game was "a shameful train wreck filled with blind cuddly puppies."