Welcome to the series the nation cares nothing about - the Cincinnati Who? versus the Washington What?Who are Norris Hopper, Jeff Keppinger, and Jared Burton? you Nats fans ask. What's a Chico or a Bacsik? you Reds fans wonder. Well, I'm going to attempt to answer these questions as a diehard Reds fan who holds a Nationals partial season ticket plan.
Reds fans will obviously be familiar with half the Nats roster, with Austin Kearns, Felipe Lopez, Dmitri Young, and D'Angelo Jimenez having once played prominent roles in Cincinnati, as well as Mr. Leatherpants himself sitting snuggly up in the airconditioned front office. But former Nats, aside from Mike Stinkton, are conspicuously absent from the Reds roster. DAMAGED GOODS! (Grumble, grumble.)
Nats fans may wonder "Why do they have three catchers?" Reds fans wonder the same thing. Nats fans may also raise eyebrows when seeing the number of utility players on the Reds. This, too, is a source of wonder for Reds fans.
It's difficult to discuss rosters when you don't know what your rosters are going to look like come two hours before game time. For the Reds, the pitching rotation was supposed to be Kyle Lohse, Bronson Arroyo, and Aaron "Best damn pitcher in the National League" Harang. Lohse was just traded, Harang is missing his next start with a bad back, and well, Krivsky the Clown keeps trying to trade Arroyo, so who knows if he'll be on the roster tomorrow. DON'T DO IT WAYNE.
For the Nats, Matt Chico goes in Game 1, but I can't keep track of the Nats patchwork rotation. Couldn't tell you who is supposed to go in the other two games. Not Billy Traber - he pitched on Sunday, and not very well, going 3.2 innings. Not righthander Tim Redding, for he pitched in Game 1 of a doubleheader on Saturday. Not Joel Hanrahan, either, because he pitched in Game 2 and earned the distinction of being the 13th starter the Nats have thrown out there this season. So I'm guessing highly touted rookie John Lannan - you know, the guy who broke Chase Utley's hand? - goes on Wednesday against against pleasegod Bronson "DON'T TRADE HIM" Arroyo. I guess that leaves Mike Bacsik for Thursday's game against either Matt Belisle or pleasegodno Mike Gosling or pleasegodno Victor Santos or Phil Dumatrait or pleasegodyesbutitwonthappen Homer Bailey.
So yeah, that covers the pitching situation, at least the starting end of it. Forget it, Nats fans, I'm not even going to cover the Reds bullpen. Let it be known that David Weathers is our "closer." The effective relievers consist of Jon Coutlangus, a rookie, and Jared Burton, a Rule 5 rookie. Everyone else is hogwash. As for the Nats pen, dear Reds fans, let us pray that Chad Cordero and Jon Rauch are still sitting in it come game time. Fatass King is still on the team.
And how am I to talk about the Reds outfield when I don't know if the Donkey will still be there and Roy Hobbs is still on the DL, at least as of now? Sure, one of the greatest players to ever don a Major League uniform will be in right, but who knows who else will be in the outfield - supersub Ryan Freel? Slap hitter Norris Hopper? Highly touted prospect Joey Votto? DeWayne Wise pleasegodno? Hey Wayne, DON'T TRADE DUNN.
As for the Nats outfield, the only sure thing is the other half of the Dunnandkearns Show over in right. Ryan Church is pretty sure to be in left at least one game, but Ryan number 3 will probably spend some time there, he being Langerhans. I'm not sure what's going on in center with no hit Nook Logan, I mean why he is there aside from everyone who steps foot in the cavern out there seems to stink.
The infield? Well, at the moment I write this, the Reds have a first base platoon with Scott Hatteberg and Jeff Conine. One of these players will not be on the roster at game time, I'm sure. At second, budding star Brandon Phillips is anchored. Who knows if Reds shortstop Alex Gonzalez will be in uniform? He's on the restricted list because his kid is sick and hasn't played in at least two weeks. At third SHOULD BE Edwin Encarnacion, but Reds management doesn't like him and he often finds himself riding pine. You'll see Jeff Keppinger in one of the three positions, and maybe Ryan Freel.
Nats infield? Fatass All Star Young is at first. Ronnie Belliard and D'Angelo Jiminez can play second, as Felipe Lopez moved back to short in the place of injured Cristian Guzman. The only one on the infield that I would have on my fantasy team if I were into that is my favorite Nat, Ryan Zimmerman, who is suffering through a sort of sophomore slump. Oh well, he's the real deal, the next Brooks Robinson.
Nats have the advantage at catcher despite the infinite number of backstops on the Reds bench, because when you have Jesus on your team, you have to be better, right? Just watch it, Nats, because David Ross leads the world in runners caught stealing - it's the only thing he CAN do.
Ahh, what a couple of messed up teams I follow.
Whether you're a Reds fan or a Nats fan, please be sure to stop by the tailgate party Thursday, August 2 from 5-6:30 in front of RFK. I'll be grilling the most delicious burgers you ever did taste. There will be some beer there, but if you want quality beer, bring your own. I will post the exact location tomorrow, so check back.
Oh yeah, and GO REDS!
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