Yesterday, I woke from a sleep tortured by bad dreams with a violent headache, the kind that affects your every movement, your vision, your ability to see the world in anything but a negative light. Yes, I was what they call “grouchy” on account of the throbbing and the lack of a decent fifth starter I had hoped to see by this morning.
It had to be the oppressive heat that started it, a heat so fierce that even an occasional breeze burned your skin. Or maybe the heat was a mask for what really troubled my soul. The thought, as frightening as a confrontation with a Randy Johnson fastball, crept into my head around midday and did not cease to plague my brain. Then, during the woeful performance last night by the calfpen, I knew for certain that my fears were justified. Yes, folks, I am now convinced that Wayne Krivsky is possessed by demons!
You could tell something was amiss when, without warning, Estaban Yan and Joe “Definition of suckiness” Mays were picked up. At first, I thought Krivsky had caught Bowdenitis, that wretched disease that inflates the ego to the size of Texass after a few lucky trades. But the symptoms just weren’t there. There were no dilated pupils resulting from ever present flashbulbs before the eyes. Nor did his lips twitch as countless microphones were placed before them. Missing, too, were the stupid quotes from a jumbled, swollen head that is characteristic of this awful disease. No, it had to be something else.
I knew it was bad when the Trade happened. Something was horribly wrong with this man, but I just couldn’t pinpoint the problem. It wasn’t until last night when I witnessed what could only be the devil’s work that I knew what was wrong.
Oh, humble followers of the blessed baseball religion, we must pray for this poor man’s soul! We must ask the gods of baseball to overpower what has been spewed from the bowels of the Earth, the stomping grounds of Selig, Fehr, and Steinbrenner! Pray, dear worshippers, to save this man from the path traveled by the likes of JimBo, Allard Baird, and Jim Hendry! Pray, pray before it is too late!