Monday, April 14, 2008

Adam Dunn's Day Off - A Play in Two Acts. Act I

Scene I: A swamp somewhere in the American South. Daylight is waning.

Enter Dunn and Griffey.

Dunn [shouting.] Griff! Griff? Where's my flashlight? I can't find my flashlight!

Griffey [shouting.] Calm down, calm down! We'll find it. We still have some daylight left.

Dunn. Not much. I'm up to my knees in this muck. I gotta find my way out. I can't see you. Where are you?

Griffey. Bout twenty yards behind you. See me waving?

Dunn. Uh, no. [Pauses and perks up. A humming sound can be heard in the distance.] What's that sound?

Griffey. What sound?

Dunn. That humming.

Griffey. I don't hear no hu...wait, yeah, I hear it.

Dunn. What is it?

Griffey. Damned if I know.

Dunn. Where's my flashlight?

Griffey. Damned if I know.

Dunn. Where are we? How do we get out of this muck?

Griffey. Damned if I know.

Dunn. Do you know anything?

Griffey. I know how to hit home runs. I know how to drive my big ass yacht. I know how to play video games and I know how to watch movies on my big ass HD TV.

Dunn. But you can't do any of those things if we die out here in this swamp.

Griffey. We ain't gonna die. There's plenty of fish in these waters keep us alive forever. An' you get thirsty, you bend down and take a sip of this here water.

Dunn. Eww. This is fish water.

[The humming grows louder. A light appears.]

Dunn. Looks like someone's boat. Maybe they can help us out of here. Hey, over here! [Waves arms around. The boat changes directions and heads their way.]

Voice. Who's there?

Dunn. Adam Dunn and Ken Griffey, Jr.

Voice. Yeah, right!

Dunn. Seriously. We were out fishing and we got lost.

Voice. Will you sign my ball if I come pick you up?

Dunn. Sure!

Griffey. I don't sign.

Voice. Well then, forget it. [Boat turns around.]

Dunn. Hey, wait! I'll sign as many balls as you want! It's getting dark out here, and I can't find my flashlight! [Boat continues, disappears out of sight. Dunn turns to Griffey.] Why the hell won't you sign a ball to get us out of here?

Griffey. Jerk will probably just sell it.

Dunn. So what? If he needs to sell it for some cash, let him! Not everyone's as rich as you and me.

. It's my policy.

[The two of them grow silent as they try to figure out how to get out.]

Griffey. Hey, I see something!

Dunn. What?

Griffey. I think it's a boat!

Dunn. Where? Where's my damn flashlight?

Griffey. Over here. [Wades to an abandoned boat.] Looks like it's good. No holes. [Dunn wades over to him.]

Dunn. Sweet. Let's go. [They climb in and sit there for a moment in silence.] Well, there's one oar. Who's gonna row.

Griffey. You are.

Dunn. You're the boat captain.

Griffey. That's why you row. [They just sit there.] Well, aren't you gonna start rowing?

Dunn. I don't know what direction to go.

Griffey. Just head towards where that boat came from.

[They row in silence for two hours. The waning daylight fades into darkness. Dunn still can't find his flashlight. Suddenly, another light appears.]

Dunn. Hey, who's there?

Voice. Paul Daugherty.

Dunn. [weakly.] Oh.

Voice. Hey, can you help me out? I got my foot caught here under a log. I've been stuck here for two days. I'm starving. I'm weak. And I really need to take a dump.

Dunn. I don't think so, jerk.

Voice. What? What kind of people are you? You're just going to leave me to die out here?

Dunn. The world would be much better off.

Voice. You know what? Bleep you. You're a bleeping bleepity bleep. I hope you bleeping bleepity bleep bleep.

Griffey. Hey, Dunner, let's not forget to tell Edwin about this.

Dunn. [laughing.] We should tell all of Cincinnati. We'll be hailed as heroes!

Griffey. First time ever for us.

Voice. Hey, wait! Wait! I promise I'll never say a bad thing about you guys again! I'll get my friends to call into my shows and say nothing but praise for you guys! I'll even put you on my fantasy team! [Voice gradually fades as the boat continues to move farther away from him.] Hey, wait! Wait! Wait! You bleepity bleeping bleeps! Bleep you! Bleep you, you motherbleepers! Bleeeeeeeeep yooooooou!

[Voice can no longer be heard.]

Dunn. Man, is this a great day or what?

Griffey. Yeah, what luck to get rid of that jerk! Shoot, we gotta get back and put some bets on baseball.

Dunn. Griff! Don't you think Cincinnati has had enough of that?

Griffey. Yeah, I guess you're right. We'll bet on the NBA. I'm rooting for Lebron. You know, gotta go with the Ohio team. And Lebron kicks bleep!

Dunn. Good idea. [Pauses and speaks contemplatively as he stares into the blackness of night.] If only we could find our way back.

Stay tuned for Act II of Adam's Day Off. Will Dunn and Griffey get back in time for the 8:05 start at Wrigley tomorrow?

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