Piracy is illegal

Yo ho ho, the Pirates sailed into Great American Ball()Park convinced they could defeat the measly Reds in battle, as they had the best record in the National League Central since the All-Star break, and well, they were pirates, and surely pirates could beat some men in red socks. They sang their pirate songs, danced their pirate dances, and talked like pirates all the way down the Ohio River. When they arrived at the stadium, however, they were puzzled by the empty park. Where was the battle? Where were these measly Reds they were going to run over?

They looked high and low and long and hard to find their foes to no avail. Captain Tracy smiled for the first time in a long while, because he thought his boys would be declared winners through no-contest, and the booty, whatever the booty was, would be theirs for the taking. They set up camp in the park, singing, dancing, drinking, and living it up in the clubhouse.

"We pillage, we plunder, we rifle and loot
Drink up me hearties, yo ho
We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot
Drink up me hearties, yo ho

We're Xavier, Randa, Sanchez, and Bay
Drink up me hearties, yo ho
We're Wilson and Burnitz with really bad Ks
Drink up me hearties, yo ho"

Soon, though, they grew bored. They wanted to play baseball. Where were those darn Reds? Captain Tracy had an idea.

The captain and some of his men walked out to Pete Rose Way and carjacked a guy who was driving home from work. They sped away from the scene of yet another of their heinous crimes and drove to the nearest green. Sure enough, the Reds team was all there, decked out in their plaid duds instead of their baseball uniforms, playing golf. Who cared about the playoff race, right? They were all but out of it anyway.

Captain Tracy and his men kidnapped the Reds and brought them back to Great American Ball()Park to play a weekend's worth of contests to small crowds and smaller hopes. Adam "I've read two books in my life" Dunn pouted all the way to the park, and then he pouted some more. Ryan "Human Highlight" Freel thanked the Pirates in private for bringing him back to the park, where he really wanted to be. Jerry Morron busied himself in the dugout with his October vacation plans, while Ken Griffey Jr's hangnail kept him on the bench. Rolls Roycemack Hands of McClayton acted like Stillwell Angel as he watched Richie get the start at short, and then he and LaOut had a whining contest. And that's how the Pirates played baseball with the men in the red socks.

But! Hope still lives. Go Reds!