Nocturnal Disturbances

Wow, quitting a job that doesn't make you happy is more difficult than I thought. Lots of anxiety today, but now my boss knows. We haven't talked about it yet, as he has to interview someone for another open position, so I haven't been given the guilt trip, which is what I was dreading anyway.

I hope my next office job allows me to watch baseball games during the day. I have a greater hope that I won't have another office job, that I'll finally figure out a way to be self-employed, for it is the monotony of office life that is getting to me more than the job itself. It's nice to be able to watch the Reds game right now, especially with Harang on the mound and Votto kicking butt again. I'd like to see Phillips hit one out to join the 30/30 Club before this one's over.

My brain is in hyperdrive because of the trip, the change, the preparation, and the anxiety. It's affecting my dreams, too. I've written before about some of my dreams when they involve baseball, and well, I just remembered a disturbing one that I had last night. Josh Hamilton died in it. Now I am feeling quite disturbed, as I am a believer that dreams mean something. Not in the superstitious way, mind you, but I think what you dream is a reflection of your thoughts and your mental state. If I dream about someone chasing me in a mall, which is a recurrence in my dreams, it tells me I am thinking about how the pursuit material possessions is bad for your soul, an issue which I struggle against, especially now that I am going away for a few months and bringing very little with me. If I dream about airplanes crashing, which I frequently do, it does not mean I'm going to die in a plane crash, it just means I have a terrible fear of flying. (At least I hope so - my stomach is in knots just thinking about flying in a few weeks.)

But I can't figure out what Josh Hamilton dying means. Josh Hamilton symbolizes so much, a guy who overcame his demons and is living his Major League dream after some delay, so why in the heck would something so positive be destroyed by my own imagination?

Maybe I was just upset that he injured his leg again and is probably out for the rest of the season. I hope that's all it was, anyway.