Wednesday, July 05, 2006

The New American Heritage Glossary of Baseball Terms

arroyo - 1. A deep gully cut by an intermittent stream; a dry gulch. 2. A brook; a creek. 3. A rock star pitcher who turns bad teams into contenders.

asstro - 1. An awful smell coming out of Texass. 2. Phil Garner ?!? (Freddy Sanchez? Come on!)

austin - 1. A city in Texass. 2. A type of cannon.

boone - 1. American frontiersman, folk hero, and central figure in the settlement of Kentucky. 2. To use a different lineup every night. ex. Jerry Narron booned the lineup for the entire 2006 season.

bowden - 1. A man who built the 1994-1995 Reds, the former who would have gone to the WS and the latter who went to the NLCS. 2. A man who built the 2006 Nationals, a last place team. 3. To trade for a bad and/or broken player. ex. Wayne Krivsky bowdened when he signed Joe Mays.

brennaman - 1. A Hall of Fame broadcaster and voice of the Reds for more than 30 years. 2. To tell it like it is. 3. Something constant in one's life.

bullpen - 1. A place where bulls are kept. 2. In baseball, six or seven pitchers who relieve starting pitchers. 3. Another L in the Reds' loss column.

cardinal - 1. A red North American finch. 2. A high church official, ranking just below the pope. 3. A baseball team that needs to go away.

casey - To give away something for nothing. ex. I caseyed my old computer because I didn't need it anymore.

china - 1. A massive country in Asia. 2. High-quality porcelain or ceramic ware. 3. The country from where I get my ESPN (see intellectual property rights.)

contention - 1. A striving to win in competition; rivalry. 2. A state unfamiliar to Reds fans. 3. Something you can't be in without a bullpen.

cubs fan - 1. One with an infinite amount of patience. 2. A variety of North American mammal, characterized by its blue color and migratory behavior.

disgust - 1. Profound aversion or repugnance excited by something offensive. 2. The feeling a Reds fan has towards the bullpen.

dunn - 1. A city in North Carolina. 2. A projectile resembling a missile that is shot at fans sitting in rightfield seats.

error - 1. A mistake. 2. A daily ritual practiced by ballplayers in Cincinnati.

freel - A type of sparkplug used to ignite a team's offense.

fox - 1. Any of various carnivorous mammals of the genus Vulpes, related to dogs and wolves and characteristically having upright ears, a pointed snout, and a long bushy tail. 2. To have a monopoly on all televised games on Saturday, even the ones you aren't showing.

griffey - The baseball equivalent of James Dean.

groan - 1. An utterance expressing pain or disapproval. 2. The sound a Reds fan makes when a member of the bullpen comes in.

hall - 1. A corridor or passageway in a building. 2. A mediocre Milwaukee baseball player whom the Reds make look like Babe Ruth. 3. The place where Pete Rose should be.

harang - 1. To underrate something. 2. When followed by utan, a type of monkey.

intellectual property rights - 1. A term used by corporations to justify a monopoly on something. 2. Something to protect bloggers from having their ideas stolen.

laa - To change the name of something and call it something incredibly long and pretentious and still not fool anyone.

larue - 1. French for "the street." 2. To cry and complain about a lack of playing time. ex. Jason larued when David Ross got the start.

larue line - (formerly Mendoza line) A .200 batting average.

larussa - 1. A type of demon. 2. The mafia. ex. You'd win, too, if you had larussa threatening to kill you after a loss.

livan - 1. To pitch a million innings in a season. 2. To throw a 65 mph curve ball and watch the batter swing three times before it gets to the plate. 3. Something I wish Hernandez would do more often with baserunners.

lizard - 1. Any of numerous reptiles of the suborder Sauria or Lacertilia, characteristically having a scaly elongated body, movable eyelids, four legs, and a tapering tail. 2. To not score runs for your pitcher. ex. The Reds lizarded Ramirez and handed him his 500th loss after only giving up two runs.

mazzone - 1. To take credit for the pitching performances of your Hall of Fame staff over a long period of time. 2. To nervously rock back and forth hoping no one finds out you don't really know what you're doing.

phillips - 1. A type of lightbulb. 2. A type of lightbulb for the Reds.

play two - It's raining.

rain delay - The signal of the start of an episode of M*A*S*H.

ryan zimmerman - 1. The next Brooks Robinson. 2. My future husband.

selig - A national disgrace.

steinbrenner - Satan

suckiness - 1. The condition of performing awfully. 2. Joe Mays. 3. The Reds bullpen. 4. The Kansas City Royals. 5. Jim Bowden's new contract. 6. Phil Garner's All-Star selection capabilities.

voodoo - The mechanism used to make the Cardinals lose.

womack - A variety of North American mammel characterized by its small size, slippery hands, and inability to swing a bat. Also known for its wandering.

wow - 1. An outstanding success. 2. Dunn's game winning grand slam. 3. Griffey's 17th home run that left the yard.

yankee - 1. A native or inhabitant of a northern U.S. state, especially a Union soldier during the Civil War. 2. An American 3. One of several types of demons known for wearing pinstripes and greatly contributing to the income gap in America. 4. The root of all evil.

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