Jeter's immortal drama of a journey through Heck

A crime has been committed today. Ground has been broken for the new Yankee's stadium. Steinbrenner should be drawn and quartered for such heinous treachery.

No matter how much you hate the Yankees, you can't deny the magic that swirls around Yankee Stadium, that temple that Ruth built, that museum of memories, of records and October and those glorious pinstripes, a constant in an ever-changing world. Yankee Stadium is the Mecca of Baseball, a holy shrine to our game's immortals. To rip it down reeks of greed, profits, commercialism, and everything negative you can associate with the game. The new stadium will thus be labeled as Baseball Heck, just because it will be constructed with the tools of Evil...

This is the story of Derek Jeter, whose erroneous ways must be set right before he can take his place in Baseball Heaven. He has, after all, worn the pinstripes of evil for his entire career.

As Jeter hangs up his spikes, he walks toward the glowing baseball in the sky. Just as he is about to enjoy paradise, he is blocked by the Three Beasts of Baseballness: the Tiger of Malice and Fraud, the Oriole of Violence and Ambition, and the Green Monster of Incontinence. These beasts drive him back despairingly into the darkness.

Oh, well, you know the rest. Jeter goes down in Yankee immorality, even after having to play in Baseball Heck for the remainder of his career, and of course he gets to Baseball Heaven. Duh. Everyone knows that.

Oh, and they make a new circle of Hell for Georgie Boy, where he spends eternity having to watch the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.