The Walrus and the Carpenter

This game recap was inspired by Red Menace.

The groundskeeper was on the field,
Sticking in a base.
He did his very best to make
The infield a smooth place.
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the race.

A Cards fan pouted sulkily,
Because she thought the chump
Should give advantage to the Cards
With some really well-placed bumps--
"It's traitorous of him," she said,
"To get rid of all the lumps!"

The field was as green could be,
The stands were full of red.
You could not see Richie because
Roycemack was there instead:
No best lineup was on the card--
The manager's stupid.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were pitching in the game;
They thought the same thought when they pitched
As they took their aim:
"If this team would only go away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"

"If we could win against this team
Sweep them for three games here."
"But we can't hit," the Walrus said,
"The sixth is getting near."
"A damn hit," said the Carpenter,
Who shed a bitter tear.

"O Cardinals, come score on us!"
The Walrus did beseech.
"Another hit, another run,
I'll give up lots of each.
I cannot do with more than five,
This game'll be out of reach."

The eldest Cardinal looked at him,
But then became dizzy.
The eldest Cardinal blinked his eye,
And really couldn't see--
Meaning to say he did not choose
To stay in centerfield.

But other Cardinals hurried up,
All eager for the fight:
Their minds focused, their faces stern,
Swinging with all their might.
And this was odd, because, you know,
Their winning has been light.

Out by out the batters went,
And yet another three;
The Reds offense did not exist.
(And "more, more, more" tortured me.
Those commercials came too quick--
Square burgers aren't healthy.)

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Met just for five or so,
And then the Walrus rested on a bench
His Ernie not so low.
And all the runs the Cardinals scored
Dwarfed the Reds zero.

"The time may come," the Walrus said,
"To pack up all my things
For if I pitch like this again,
We won't get any rings.
We have two chances after this
To clip the Deadbirds' wings."

"But wait a bit," the Redlegs cried,
"We still have some at bats;
For some of us are good at these
Late inning run comebacks."
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter
Who shut them down at that.

"A manager," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need;
The best lineup on the field
Is very good indeed,
But the one we have, Redlegs fans,
Logic he does not heed."

"But we have won!" the Reds fans cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such winning, a new man's
A dismal thing to do!"
"Three games above," the Walrus said,
"Five hundred is not good.

It was so kind of you to watch!
And you've made us very rich!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
Just threw another pitch.
Without the best names on the card
The outing was a cinch!

"It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
"To play a trick on them,
After we've brought them out so far,
And have them cheering again!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
Maintained his pitching gem.

"I'm sorry y'all," the Walrus said.
"I deeply apologize.
I let you down again this time
I sucked I do surmise,"
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

"O Redlegs," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?"
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
He'd beaten every one.

With apologies, of course, to Lewis Carroll.