Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Everyone loves lists

I could talk about my favorite baseball players all day long. There are some I like because they are good players – like Adam Dunn. Others, like David Weathers, I like because of personal encounters. Some, like Brandon Phillips, are a result of both. My top ten favorite current players are (in no particular order) Brandon Phillips (who is number 1), Joey Votto (number 2), Jay Bruce, Ryan Zimmerman, David Wright, Derek Jeter (yes, Derek Jeter), Josh Hamilton, Sean Casey, Jose Reyes, Jimmy Rollins, Miguel Tejada (despite playing for the Asstros). Well, that’s eleven.

Barry Bonds would be on the list at number one if he were playing. If more people had had the opportunity to watch him play in San Francisco in the early part of this decade, the Barry hatred would be minimal. I’ve never seen anything like him, and I doubt I ever will again.

But my favorite players are not the topic of this post. No, this post is about the players I hate. It is inspired by Rickey Henderson’s election to the Hall of Fame. I hated him in his day, and I really don't know why. But you don't have to have a reason for someone to rub you the wrong way, right? Many on this list will join Rickey in the Hall someday.

1. Jeff Kent – I don’t know if he is going to play this year, but the uncertainty still qualifies him for this list. Jerk Kent has been my least favorite player since the early aughts (is that what this decade is called? That’s what the 1900s were called.) It wasn’t just that he whined because Bonds got all of the attention. It wasn’t just that he got into a fist fight with Bonds in the dugout. It was mostly because he broke his arm before the 2002 season started while being an idiot on a motorcycle (wheelies) and lied to the team, saying he fell off the top of his truck while washing it. I know he’ll probably get into the Hall of Fame based on his numbers, but if I were a baseball writer, I wouldn’t vote for him based on the way he conducted himself as a player and a teammate.

2. Albert Pujols – What’s to like about him if you are not a Deadbirds fan? I wonder why he didn’t reject his 2008 MVP award. After all, when Ryan Howard beat him out a couple of years ago, he whined that players on non-contending teams didn’t deserve the award. He’s also a Reds killer, though the Reds are not his only victim. Plus he points to the sky every time he hits a homerun, one of my pet peeves.

3. Curt Schilling – Bloody sock aside, this self-righteous crackhead can’t keep his mouth shut. I do hope that when he runs for office in Massachusetts after he retires from baseball, Massholes can look past Game 6 and remember what he stands for – a virtual theocracy, where his version of morality is legislated. Schilling is a borderline fascist, and there is a reason he has not been well-liked by teammates in Philly, Arizona, and Boston.

4. David Eckstein – I don’t have a problem with any of the personal aspects of Eckstein. As far as I know, he has never said anything to warrant personal animosity. Yet he is one of those pests that can do anything to mess up your team’s chances of winning. He is annoying. He can’t hold his bat still. And he’s not good enough to be a starting shortstop but people keep giving him that chance. I am afraid Jocketty might sign him to be on the Reds.

5. Manny Ramirez – Manny being Manny is annoying. His hair is annoying. His loafing is annoying. Manny would be fired from any regular job us common folk hold, where you have to look and act professional. He is unprofessional, and I am glad the Dodgers made him put his hair up. That being said, I would be ecstatic if the Reds were to sign him. He’d still annoy me, but I’d be able to put up with it if the Reds were winning.

6. Alex Rodriguez – Tabloid trash, A-Rod has fallen far from my favor since he came up with the Mariners all those years ago. A former poster-on-my-wall boy, I now keep this photo of him near to me. My list of grievances includes being a slum lord, cheating on his wife, breaking up Madonna’s marriage, switching from Team USA to Team Dominicana, getting out of the richest contract in MLB history only to sign for even more money, and all of the garbage he said about Griffey when Junior left Seattle. I’m sure there are more. Despite that, I look forward to him breaking Bonds’ HR record, if only to shut up the Bonds haters.

7. Chipper Jones – Larry Wayne Jones, Jr. is good, very good, no doubt a future Hall of Famer. He had the misfortune of playing for the Braves all of these years, a team I hate more than any team but the Deadbirds, Bankee$, Codgers, and Asstros. He also strikes me as just plain dumb. If he hadn’t been blessed with baseball talent, no doubt he’d be working in a Super America truckstop somewhere. But I sure do like to watch him play.

8. Lance Berkman – Not only is he a Reds killer, but he plays for the Asstros, and he’s one of those that thinks Jesus is up there on a cloud making him hit homeruns. He’s just one of those players that has something about him that rubs me the wrong way. I can’t really think of anything specific.

9. Jose Guillen – I’ve had the misfortune of having to watch this guy on the Reds and the Nationals. What a big baby. Remember how he whined about not getting to play above Ken Griffey, Jr., the Ken Griffey, Jr. who had yet to be plagued by injuries, the Ken Griffey, Jr. who had just been named to the All-Century team, the Ken Griffey, Jr. who was on pace to break Hank Aaron’s 755? There is not a bigger pouter in all of baseball.

10. Corey Patterson – Poor guy. I’d feel sorry for him if he would just realize he needs to switch careers. He should have faked an injury in 2008 to take one for the team, because he singlehandedly wrecked the team on numerous occasions. His playing time was largely Dusty Baker’s fault, though Walt Jocketty should take some of the blame for sitting on his butt and letting Patterson stink up the roster.

Least favorite manager: Ozzie $#@! Guillen. That guy just needs to STFU.

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