The Secret Thoughts of Scott Rolen

I'm getting old. I can just feel it in my bones. I'm so glad I got out of Canada. They talk funny up there. Joey talks like that, but I'm gonna try to get him to stop. Probably won't though, cuz Canucks are like that. They think Canada is the greatest country on Earth. Stupid Canucks. Ever hear of a place called the United States of America? Man, am I glad to be out of there and back in the States. In Real America, too, the Midwest, where they don't have all those East Coast elitists like they do back in Philly. Stupid East Coast elitists and their fancy shmancy double soy lattes and their public transportation and their knowledge. So glad I got some security for the next few years. I just hope the fans don't give me some stupid nickname like Grandpa Rolen or something like that. Seems like the fans always give stupid nicknames. And the reporters will use headlines like "Cincinnati Rolen Past the Cubs" when I do well and maybe if I don't do well they'll say, "Bob Howsam Rolen in His Grave at Contract." That would be bad. Ha. It's kind of funny, though. I had a good year last year. Too bad I got hit in the head and got that concussion. Man, I can't wait to play the Cardinals and beat the heck out of them. LaRussa won't know what hit him. Sweet revenge. Boy was that a bad situation, with LaRussa being such a jerk all the time. I hope there aren't any jerks in Cincinnati. Phillips might be kind of a jerk. I'm still not sure on that. Baker's not a jerk - he's a real player's manager who respects veterans because they've been around. Not like that jerk LaRussa who played younger guys over veterans because their on base percentage was higher. I mean, seriously, where's the respect? Well, anyway, I gotta go wrap some presents. I'd like some nice hot chocolate now.