Kyle Lohse's Night Out

Note: If you haven't read the latest Boston Globe article on Arroyo, read it here or you won't get this post.

Though he was not in line for the win thanks to the meager offense his team showed while he was pitching, Kyle "I'm not a Lohser" had cause for celebration, for he did not get the loss. It was Bronson "Now I like Thai" Arroyo who promptly suggested they head up to Mount Adams to consume some sweet and sour chicken (no spices) and some Singhai beer and then head on up to The Blind Lemon, where Janis Joplin once played. Lohse, who was still on a high from his non-loss, was up for some Pad Thai. Adam Dunn turned down his Nickleback to hear what they were talking about, wrinkling his nose at the thought of Thai food but thinking he might find something he liked on the menu and said, "I'm coming."

The three of them climbed into Bronson's black Hummer. They had to stop for gas twice on their way up the hill to Mount Adams and ran over a small child in trying to park the thing. As soon as they were seated, Bronson asked, "So, how's it feel to not lose?"

"It feels great!" Lohse replied, and then, turning to Dunn, said, "But it's your fault I didn't get the win."

"What?" Dunn said, laughing and not realizing he was serious.

"You struck out with two men on," he replied in a menacing tone.

"I wasn't the only one who left runners on. And besides, I was the one who got the walk on that passed ball that scored the tying run."

"But you were the only one who struck out with two on."

"That's not fair!" Dunn pouted as he looked at his menu. "What the hell is pad see yew?"

"Try it," Bronson said. "I never liked Thai food until I came here."

"You can't strike out with food," Lohse added snidely. Dunn sneered but said nothing.

Later on, the three of them headed over to The Blind Lemon. Bronson got on stage and sang Wonderwall five times in a row.

"What the heck's a wonderwall?" Lohse asked Dunn, suddenly remembering the entire team's offense had been weak and forgiving Dunn.

"I don't know, maybe like the Great Wall of China? I mean, it's like a really big wall, right?"

"Oh yeah, that makes sense."

When Bronson had enough of the song, he sat down with them and ordered a Shirley Temple with two shots of Cuervo.

Some strange woman with hair down to her butt walked in and began singing Stevie Nicks songs. Dunn made an observation.

"Hey, did you know that if you take out E-V-E-I-C from her name, you get 'stinks'?" The three of them had a hearty chuckle at that one.

"What a gold dust woman!" Lohse said, trying to be funny. Arroyo and Dunn looked at each other in a that-was-stupid way and then there was an awkward silence as they stared out at the empty bar.

"Man, it's empty in here," Dunn said.

"It's early," Bronson replied. "They'll come. Janis Joplin once played here."

"Who's Janis Joplin?" Dunn asked, which prompted Bronson to roll his eyes. Just then, people began to arrive in droves. It was always the same reaction when they realized who was at that table. First, they stared, trying to get up the nerve to go ask for autographs. They'd come over, turn to Bronson and say something like "I'm your biggest fan" or "Congrats on the contract." Then they would realize Dunn was sitting there and say "Good luck this year with cutting down on the strikeouts." Finally, they'd nod at Lohse not knowing who he was until Bronson would say "This is Kyle Lohse." They'd frown, and some would mumble hello while most flat out would say, "Oh. You suck."

"But I didn't lose today!" he would cry, making most of the people feel guilty, except for some guy named Robin Goodfellow.

After suffering this humiliation dozens of times, Lohse vowed to win 20 games this season. When he said this, Dunn laughed in his face, so he bet Dunn 20 cases of Busch Light he could do it. In return, Dunn vowed to never strikeout when Lohse was pitching. He'd owe Lohse one can of Colt 45 each time he did.

You heard it here first.
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